On Living Alone

It is the best.

About a month ago, on the one-year anniversary of my college graduation, I talked to my college best friend/former roomate.  We had the conversation that started with, "Remember where we were a year ago today...?"

I remember it vividly.  I was an RA living in Burr.  She was a resident living in Fedde.  She had moved all of her things out of her room save an air mattress and a change of clothes.  I hadn't yet started packing up my room.  After all, I'm the RA, and I get to move out whenever I darn well please.  Neither of us even wanted to participate in our graduation ceremony, but we merely did it to appease our parents who had waited all 21 years of our lives for this day.  We went out for McDonald's breakfast (classy, right?).  We rode to the Devaney Center together.  We took a few wrong turns on the way there.  We couldn't sit together because we had attended different colleges.  We talked on the phone through parts of the ceremony.  I have no idea who the honored speaker was, but I do remember using my time to catch up with several people with whom I had interacted throughout college.  Also, I talked on the phone with my brother who was seated somewhere up in the arena.  A boring four hours of my life that I will never get back.

 Leaving the Devaney Center, right after we graduated!

Anyway, I remember after the ceremony when we both returned to our dorms, Elie agreed to stick around a while longer before moving back to Omaha to live with her parents.  What was a girl to do in this jobless economy?  I remember thinking, when Elie left me for the night, "What am I going to do without dozens of people at my immediate disposal?"  I remember thinking that I would be sad, lonely, and bored.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Living alone is amazing.  So amazing that I have vowed never to get married or have children of my own, simply because I am not willing to share my living space with anyone.  Ever.

Yesterday, for example, I slept in until 10:00.  I didn't make my bed (and I always make my bed).  I didn't even bother to change out of my pajamas.  I made chocolate chip pancakes for brunch.  And I didn't do the dishes (and I always do the dishes).  I sat outside on my balcony and read for a few hours.  And then I came inside and took a nap for a few hours (and I never take naps).  I played music on my iHome throughout the day.  I made chocolate chip cookies and drank milk straight from the carton.  It was a great day.

When I had roommates, though, this lifestyle would not have been possible.  When I had roommates, it was my job to be the responsible and tidy one (because God knows none of the other ones were willing and able to do the job).  I swear, I don't think one of my roommates (who shall remain nameless) even knew where to take the trash or recycling.  Thankfully, I shared a bathroom with Elie (the cleanest of the three).  UNL provided for us a cleaning lady that came once every other week, and even she refused to clean up the mess that was the bathroom of the other two roommates.  I tried my very best to maintain order in the apartment and to stay out of the way of everyone else's day.  "Oh, you're having friends over?  Don't worry, I'll clean up the apartment.  And don't worry about me getting in your way, I'll go out to run errands or something."

These were my roommates, Mindi, Elie, and Krissy.

 This is the kind of mess we used to create.  In the above picture, we thought it would be a good idea to build a fort.

And when I was an RA, there was absolutely no time to myself.  My "free time" was filled with staff meetings and planning social events and making rounds.  When I wasn't "on duty," young residents were constantly in and out of my room.  "Can you help me with my class schedule?"  "I don't understand my statistics homework.  Can you help me?"  "My boyfriend just broke up with me..."  "I made a big mistake, and I need to talk to someone..."

 I had to plan ridiculous programs like this one, Workout Wednesday.

I would often return to find pictures like these drawn on my white board.

I was rarely left alone.

I wouldn't take that lifestyle back if you paid me to. 

Being by myself is the best.  I can come and go as I please.  I can keep my apartment clean and tidy, and nobody is here to mess it up.  Or, on the day(s) when I decide to not immediately put my dishes in the dishwasher, there is nobody here to complain about it.  And when I want to sit down and enjoy a good book, there is nobody around who feels like they may knock on my door as they please... nobody around who feels entitled to my time. 

Pearl S. Buck once said, “The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being."  With all due respect, Ms. Buck, I couldn't disagree with you more.

Some of the Questions

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been reading a book which has shaken up all that I thought I had known or understood about my religion - about Christianity.

Again, I will say that I've never felt that I knew it all.  In fact, the thing about which I am most insecure is how little knowledge I feel like I have about the Bible.  I haven't memorized the Biblical family lineages, I can't readily quote scripture, and I certainly don't have the background knowledge that an ordained clergy does.  I will admit, however, that I had gotten into somewhat of a routine.  I go to church every Sunday.  I pray.  I read a daily devotional.  I read the Bible.  I do my best to do good works in attempt of "living the life of service."  I regularly give to the church.  I attend a Bible study of sorts.  In my mind, I was going through the "right" motions of being a good Christian.  I most certainly never felt perfect - I know that perfection isn't possible.  I did, however, feel comfortable with the things I was doing.  And I feel very guilty for experiencing that feeling of comfort.

A few weeks ago, my "Bible Study" (I will call it that for lack of a better phrase - we don't always just study the Bible, although it is always used as a point of reference) began reading a book by Philip Gulley called If the Church Were Christian: Rediscovering the Values of Jesus.  I will tell you that I am a skeptic by nature, so I take everything I read or hear with a grain of salt.  As we began to read and discuss this book, however, I felt overwhelmingly that this guy had a point in what he was saying.

The book is broken down into chapters that complete the phrase, "If the Church Were Christian..."  They are as follows:

If the Church were Christian,
-Jesus would be a model for living rather than an object of worship
-Affirming our potential would be more important than condemning our brokenness
-Reconciliation would be valued over judgment
-Gracious behavior would be more important than right belief
-Inviting questions would be valued more than supplying answers
-Encouraging personal exploration would be more important than communal uniformity
-Meeting needs would be more important than maintaining institutions
-Peace would be more important than power
-It would care more about love and less about sex
-This life would be more important than the afterlife

So far, I've only read the first two chapters because that's as far as my group has been assigned.  I can not read ahead in books which I discuss with other people.  If I do, I get myself lost and mix up what I read in which chapter.

Chapter 1
In the first chapter, Gulley questions how Jesus would feel about his divine status.  He even suggests that Jesus, as a monotheistic Jew, would have "interpereted such reverence as idolatrous."  This makes sense to me.  In Mark 10: 17-18,  Jesus scolded a man for calling him "Good Teacher."  Jesus asked why he called him good and stated that "no one is good but God alone."  This leads a reader to infer that Jesus wasn't comfortable with divine status.

Gully later explains that Jesus exemplified the priorities of God - mercy, forgiveness, hospitality, and compassion.  Through Jesus' example, he urged others to exceed the things he was doing.  Gully claims that instead of accepting that Jesus was a man committed to faithfully living out the priorities of God, we made Jesus God.  Gulley suggests that, "The Christian gospel ought not be that Jesus was God and we can find life in his death.  Our good news is that we can find life in his example - accepting the excluded, healing the sick, strengthening the weak, loving the despised, and challenging the powerful to use their influence redemptively."

This, for me, has been a lot to take in.  It does, however, make a lot of sense.  I can't find anything in the Bible that tells me that Jesus wanted to be worshiped for his good doings.  It seems to me that Jesus did everything that he did in order to please God.  I also have to keep in mind that the divinity of Christ is result of what was voted upon by the Council of Nicea.

Chapter 2
In Chapter 2, Gulley talks about the tendency of many modern-day churches to condemning the brokenness of its members rather than affirming their potential.  Gulley suggests that, perhaps, people are being turned away from churches because of the message that is being delivered to them week after week.  Gully seems to look down upon churches which have developed a "shame-based culture," using "weapons of manipulation, shame, embarrassment, and disgrace" in order to "gain followers, power, influence, and obedience."

I should say that I know several people who attend churches with such messages who get a lot out of that message.  I do not attend a church that delivers such messages, so I can't speak positively or negatively about them.  It's just a different concept than what I am used to.  What I do know is that, when trying to instigate a conversation with a friend who attends a "shame-based" church, I realized that I wasn't able to even discuss the topic because she has fundamentally different ideas of Christianity than I do.  Her ideas differ because of what she is told week after week.  I'm not saying that my church is right and her church is wrong.  Frankly, if any religion was "right," wouldn't it be Judiaism?  If Jesus was a Jew, why shouldn't I be?  I digress...

Gulley's whole point here is to "no longer view ourselves as wretched sinners, deserving of damnation" and instead "see ourselves and others as God does - beloved, accepted, valued, cherished, of infinite worth and potential."  Gulley desires a church that would motivate its congregation to use its God-given talents to go out into the world and do good works.  To live a life like the one Jesus modeled to us.

This has certainly been rich food for thought for me.  As are the questions my "Bible study" leader gave to us this week.  He ensured us that these were not given to us so that we may find answers but rather to stretch our thinking:

1.  If we are required to love our enemies, can we safely say God loves God's enemies?  If God loves his enemies, will he doom them to endless punishment (hell)?  Matthew 5:43-44

2.  If God loves only those who love Him, how is he any better than us sinners?  Luke 6:32-33

3.  If "love works no ill," how can God, who IS love, inflict or allow us to be inflicted eternal doom?  Romans 13:10

4.  If man does wrong in returning evil for evil, would not God be doing wrong if He were to do the same? (condemning evil-doers to hell).  Would not endless doom (hell) be the return of evil for evil?

5.  As we are commanded to overcome evil with good, may we safely infer that God will do the same?  How does the infliction of eternal doom (hell) overcome evil with good?  Romans 12:21

6.  If the demands of "divine justice" are opposed to the requirements of "divine mercy," is not God divided against Himself?  Mark 3:24

7.  Does God desire the salvation of all people?  1 Timothy 2:3-4

8.  If God can save all people but will not, is he infinite in goodness?  And if God desires to save all people but can not, is he infinie in power?

Like I said yesterday, I'm completely lost here.  Penny for your thoughts?

Feeling Lost

Yet again, I've failed at keeping up with my blog.  I really must get more in the habit of writing.  This small paragraph will in no way do my first year of teaching justice, so all I can do is vow to do a better job documenting my second year.  The past ten months has been a whirlwind of events.  Really, all went very well.  I had about 100 students who came through the door of my classroom each day, and although there were many challenges, all-in-all, it was a really great year.  All district-mandated objectives were taught, all assignments were graded and handed back, all parent e-mails were responded to, and I lived to tell about it.  Whew!  There is much that I will do differently next year, and I'm already looking forward to meeting a new group of students.

Now that my first year of teaching is finished, in many ways, I'm feeling very lost.

Summer has just begun, and this summer isn't quite like any summer I've had previously.  I'm not living in a college dorm working strange hours.  I'm not filling my days with a near-minimum wage kind of job.  I'm experiencing my first grown-up summer, and, don't get me wrong, this is way better than the summers that I previously mentioned, but already, I am bored.

Although this is only day two of my summer, I'm already feeling lost without the things that have been staples to my day for the past ten months.  Mostly, I feel lost without my students.

I love this picture.  I could have chosen the nice one that was taken before this where they are all nicely smiling and proudly displaying the certificates they earned for achieving honor roll status.  This one, however, sums up this class much better.  Also, it is worth noting that this was a Friday and it was "Crazy Hair Day."  I do not make a habit out of showing up to school/work looking like this.

I'm in a limbo where my previous students are no longer mine, and I don't yet have names or faces of the students with whom I can look forward to working.  My students were what kept me busy, both in and out of school.  During the school year, I always had something I could be doing for them... grading their papers, planning lessons and activities for them, making PowerPoints, responding to their parents' e-mails, reading books that they recommended to me - the list goes on and on.  While these things seemed mildly stressful and inconvenient during the year, I actually miss them.  And more than I miss doing the work, I miss the kids.

Although the pictures might indicate otherwise, we really did get some learning done this year.

I enjoyed coming home after school and recounting the funny comments the students had made throughout the day or remembering the really great moments of teaching and learning that had happened during the day.

Secondly, I'm feeling lost without my co-workers.  The last day of school was bitter-sweet, not only becuase I was saying goodbye to my students, but because I was saying goodbye to a group of co-workers that has been more like family to me than anything else.  Barbara, our team leader, said to us (while fighting back tears) that in her more than thirty years of teaching experience, this has been the best team with which she has worked.  And I believe her... we all do.  Our administrators definitely knew what they were doing when they designed our team.  We worked incredibly well together, and always had each other's back.  There was no fighting or drama... not even really a disagreement.  It's hard for me to even think back to last summer at about this time when we were all meeting for the first time, but I remember thinking even then that this was going to be a group of people that was going to blend well together.  And my expectations were far surpassed.  We became friends outside of work, most of the time spending at least one day or night of our weekend together.

Some of us even began graduate school together.  In thinking about who my closest friends are, my co-workers and teammates would be some of the first people I would mention.  It's hard to imagine returning to school in the fall and not having the same team there waiting for me.  Adam has taken a 5th grade teaching position at Kooser Elementary, which will drastically change the dynamic of our team.  Taylor got her job back, but may or may not be on our team, depending on who Adam's replacement is.  I'm very thankful to have had the great year together that we did - it was a year that I will never forget.  At the same time, I'm nervous about the unexpected year that is to come, given the changes that are and will be taking place.

Lastly, I'm feeling lost in my faith.  I've been reading some books and engaging in some discussions that have really challenged my thinking and my beliefs.  Don't get me wrong, I've never ever felt like I've had everything figured out in terms of religion or faith, but for the first time in my life, I am having doubts.  I don't doubt at all that there is a God, but I have doubts about much of what I have been taught to believe.  I'm frustrated with all the questions that I have and I'm ashamed for having questions or doubts at all.  More to come on that topic.

Cartoonist Jhonen Vasquez once said, "There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it."  So, as my summer begins, in attempt to "do something about it," I'll be working on lesson plans for next year, planning an outing or two with my co-workers, and continuing to explore my faith and beliefs.  Perhaps this summer won't be so boring after all.

T Minus One Week

August 12th marked the one-week point. Only one more week until students would be walking through our doors. One week did NOT seem like enough time to get everything done.

Construction continued to move forward; every time I went somewhere, I discovered something new that had been installed or finished. I got all of my classroom supplies unpacked (HOORAY!) and I got my room all set up. Adam and I stayed late to finish our rooms. Poor Barbara hurt her foot yesterday and has to wear a walking boot. Rachael finished making the students' schedules, so we finally have a list of names of our students! Hour by hour and day by day, this was starting to feel more real.

Moving Day

August 10, 2009 was the day we had all been waiting for. We received an e-mail late the week before letting us know that we could FINALLY start moving in our things.

We started the day with a tour through the building. We were in awe of how beautiful our new school was - such rich colors, the elegant tiles, and the lovely woodwork that is everywhere! My favorite feature is all of the light that pours in from the outdoors. That natural lighting seems to bring in such a positive energy.

After taking in all of Schoo's beauty, however, reality set in. The construction was still not done. Construction workers were everywhere. There was plywood on the floors of the hallways, the academic connections rooms weren't finished, and the worst thing of all (in my germophobic mind) was that there was still no soap in the bathrooms. "It will all get done eventually," I kept reassuring myself.

The rest of our day was spend entirely on opening boxes. Boxes of books, boxes of suppplies, boxes of bookshelves... boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes. Opening and sorting, opening and sorting.

Overall, it was an exhausting day, but also a very good one. I'm finally able to picture in my head how things at Schoo will be this year. Things became more real that day, and I was just sure that it was going to be a great year!

In the Boxes on the Semis...

All of our stuff was packed up in boxes and loaded on semis. We had access to nothing. As I sat around enjoying the lazy days of summer, all I could do was think about all of my teachers' guides that were in the boxes on semis, instead of being in my possession. If only I could have had them during the summer, I would have felt so much more prepared. I could have planned out elaborate lessons with fun projects and experiments. I could have made PowerPoints and study guides. I could have searched for additional resources to share with my class. Instead, I sat around playing solitaire and chess on my brand-new MacBook.

I am a planner, and I need to know (rather, I think I need to know) what is ahead, both in the short term and in the long term. I had high hopes of filling the pages of my lesson plan book (which was also in a box on the semis) before school even started.

I longed to decorate my classroom with colorful posters. I wanted to stock the cabinets with the brand-new school supplies. I wanted to arrange the desks and write on the white boards and stamp the textbooks with the "Property of Schoo Middle School" stamp. The posters, the supplies, and the Schoo stamp were all packed up in the boxes on the semis, and these things just had to wait. To appease my need to be in possession of something that would eventually be in my classroom, I went shopping. I spent hundreds of dollars on school supplies for my students and packed my car with my new purchases. Those school supplies came with me everywhere I went as we awaited the day when we would finally be able to unpack the boxes on the semis.

Finally, that day came.

A Moment of Truth

One of the things that I was most looking forward to in advance of the opening of Schoo was the diverse population that our school was expecting. As a girl from a small town, I have come to realize what was missing from my educational career - the opportunity to know and work with people who are "different" than me.

One of my most favorite professional development days was the day when we took a bus tour through the neighborhoods from which our students would be coming. It was truly eye-opening. We began in the Highlands - a nice neighborhood with seemingly average-sized homes. Across the highway, we drove through the sunny Fallbrook neighborhood, where the homes were bigger, and the grass was greener (literally, not necessarily figuratively). From there, we drove to the Air Park neighborhood. Although these neighborhoods are relatively close in proximity, they are not similar at all. The homes were smaller, many of them appearing as though they might collapse at any minute. The bus ride through that neighborhood reminded me of those drives my parents used to take us on whenever my brother and I complained about the rough life we thought we had. The drives "south of the tracks" that were intended to make us grateful for all that we had been given. These kids would have to board the buses earlier in the morning than I hope to wake up.

There is much to be learned about people and cultures and customs and traditions, and I believe that learning about them first-hand is the only way. Sure, it was nice to have holiday parties at school and to be able to call that three-week vacation at the end of the year "Christmas Break." It was easy to go to a school where the teachers all looked like me and spoke a language which I understood. I never had to deal with going to school over my religious holidays or pack a lunch because the school cafeteria's food choice conflicted with my mandatory diet. If I needed a Band-Aid, I could be sure that the color of the bandage would match the color of my skin. I said the Pledge of Allegience to a flag of my home country. So many of these seemingly little things are a big deal to many of my students. I hope that my students appreciate the opportunities that they have to experience the kind of diversity we have at Schoo. It is truly wonderful. I am learning so much, and, for that, I am grateful.